


new horizons to pursue

by achilleees_tua



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Adult Number Five | The Boy, Aged-Up Character(s), M/M, Post-Season/Series 01, Sibling Incest, Wooing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 07:07:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24346981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/achilleees_tua/pseuds/achilleees_tua
Summary: “You’re trying to get me to put out?” Five said.“Dude,” Diego said. “I know you’re a virgin, but how are youthis muchof a virgin? I can’t believe I have to say the words 'I’m hitting on you' out loud.”
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy/Diego Hargreeves
Comments: 30
Kudos: 483





	new horizons to pursue

**Author's Note:**

> this _almost_ fits into my series of five/diego first time UST fics, but the UST doesn't last long in this one tbh. 
> 
> as per usual, post fixing the apocalypse, ignore the details that got them to that point. five's body is 22ish.

“Excuse me,” said Diego. “Point of order.”

Five tilted his head to the side without turning around. “Did you need something?” he said, his tone put-upon.

Diego leaned in the doorway of Five’s room, arms crossed. “You can make whatever whacked-out conspiracy theory string spiderweb on the walls of your own room, but keep it out of mine.”

Five glanced back at him, chalk held loosely against the wall, midway through another of his incomprehensible equations. “You’re rarely here anyway, and you weren’t using the space.”

“I was using the space,” Diego said. “I was using the space as a wall.”

“That doesn’t count,” Five said. “I needed it for something important.”

“I’m not going to bother arguing with you over what constitutes important,” Diego said. “Why can’t you use your own walls?”

“I need my walls to write on,” Five said.

“Okay, so Klaus’s?” Diego said. “His walls are all fucked-up already, he wouldn’t even notice your Unabomber shit taking over like a fungus.”

“He actually lives in his room,” Five said. “I didn’t think you’d —”

“Notice?”

“Mind,” Five finished.

“Well, I do,” Diego said.

“Notice?”

“Mind,” Diego said. “Use Allison’s room, she doesn’t live here either.”

“Your walls were a better canvas, hers have posters all over them,” Five said with a huff. “But fine. The next time you’re here, I’ll have your walls clear again.”

“You’re just saying that so I’ll leave and hoping I’ll forget by the next time I’m here,” Diego said.

Five flipped him off.

“You know I’m right,” Diego said, turning to go. “Get your shit off my walls.”

“People who don’t live here don’t get veto rights,” Five called after him.

“Get your shit off my walls!” Diego called back.

He ran into Klaus on the way out. “I’m not driving you somewhere,” he said immediately. “Not happening.”

“Sure,” Klaus agreed easily. “Heard you and the Zodiac Killer arguing from the kitchen. You know there’s no reasoning with him, right?”

“I’m realizing,” Diego said. “The Apocalypse is over, why’s he still so fixed on it?”

“Why am I so fixed on speedballs?” Klaus said. “Why do I wake up at night thinking about them? Why have I sold my own blood in the past to be able to afford them?”

“Yeah, I think it’s not an exact parallel.”

“More than you’d think,” Klaus said.

“You can say that, but it doesn’t make it true.”

“Maybe,” Klaus said with a faint, knowing smile. “Maybe not.”

Diego rolled his eyes. “Acting smarmy about it doesn’t make it true either. Your speedballs thing and Five’s Apocalypse thing are light-years apart. ”

“The identical symptoms beg to differ,” Klaus said. “Doesn’t matter. You get my point.”

Diego leaned against the wall. “Alright, let’s say you’re right. Have you given him any tips for dealing with withdrawal yet?”

“Oh yeah, big time,” Klaus said. “He took detailed notes and asked probing follow-up questions. We meditate together three times a week. We’re forming a book club!”

“He blew you off, huh,” Diego said.

“Teleported out of the room to get away,” Klaus said, nodding. “Barely even took the time to insult me first.”

“Probably better that way,” Diego said. “I doubt your techniques would work as well on him.”

“Hey!” Klaus said, offended. “What do you know about my withdrawal techniques?”

“I’ve seen your terrible knitting projects,” Diego said. “I’m still not sure if the last one was a scarf or a noose.”

Klaus was immediately mollified. “Oh, fair. I thought you meant casual sex.”

Diego snorted. “Does Five even know the meaning of the term?” Five was such a commitment-junkie he got in a long-term relationship with a mannequin. He redefined serial monogamy. Diego would have said so, but he wasn’t risking Five overhearing and taking a crowbar to his knees or something equally mad.

Klaus’s gaze went crafty. “Oh, so you know too? Crazy, isn’t it? Fifty-eight years old, in that pretty twink bod, and—” He shook his head.

“Wait,” Diego said, lifting a hand. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

“Ooh,” said Klaus. “Did you not know? Are you saying what I think you think I’m saying?”

“What?”

“What?”

“No, fuck off, you’re not pulling that distraction crap on me,” Diego said, accustomed to Klaus’s look of wide-eyed innocence. “Is Five really a virgin?”

“I don’t know, is he?” Klaus said.

“Klaus,” Diego said.

Klaus looked up in the direction of Five’s room. “You didn’t hear it from me.”

“Why’d he tell you?” Diego said, frowning as this sank in.

Klaus shrugged. “We talk sometimes. There’s a lot going on in that little man’s head, sometimes it comes spilling out.”

“Yeah, but… _You?”_ Diego said.

Klaus raised his eyebrows. “Who else?”

Reflecting on this, Diego was disconcerted to find Klaus was right. Five’s options were not great. “I don’t know, Vanya?”

“I think they spend most of the their time together talking about Vanya,” Klaus said. “For the first time, Five says.”

“Luther?” Diego said.

“Surely you jest,” Klaus said.

“Fair,” Diego said. “I dunno, you’re just… How do you play therapist when you’re the most messed-up person I know?”

“I’m not playing therapist,” Klaus said. “Do you really think every time you talk to someone about your life and-or feelings, they’re _playing therapist_? And you call _me_ the most messed-up person you know?”

Diego worked his jaw for a minute. Then, “So Five’s a virgin?” he said.

Klaus shot him a look that clearly said _I know what you’re doing, but I’m nice enough to let you get away with it this once_. “Big time. I don’t think any person has ever touched his dick besides himself.”

“I notice you said _person_ ,” Diego said.

“Bring up Delores at your own risk,” Klaus muttered in an undertone with another look up toward Five’s room.

“Point taken,” Diego said. “Jesus, really? Even since he got his body…” He searched for the right word, and couldn’t find it, “—grown up? It can’t be for lack of interested parties.”

“Sounds like you’re doing plenty of noticing yourself,” Klaus said knowingly.

“I’m not blind,” Diego said, not even defensive about it. “You’ve seen him.”

“I offered,” Klaus said. “But I don’t think I’m his type.”

Diego’s eyebrows shot up. The mental image of Five and Klaus’s slim bodies entwined sent a shock through him, equal parts heat and irritation. “Yeah? Makes you say that?”

“He said I wasn’t his type,” Klaus said. “I believe his exact words were _junkie-hooker-KISS reject doesn’t suit my tastes_. Which, really?” He gestured down at himself. “KISS? Hardly.”

“So what’s his type?” Diego said.

Klaus shrugged. “What’s the opposite of me?”

Diego bit his lower lip, thinking.

“Oooh, I know that look,” Klaus crowed. “I _know_ that look.”

“Shut up,” Diego said easily, pushing himself off the wall. “You want a ride or not?”

“Wait, you’re actually offering?” Klaus said. “I don’t have to hide in your backseat until we’re far enough away that you’re not going to turn around and come back when you notice me?”

“I’m feeling nice today,” Diego said.

That, and maybe he felt a little like he owed Klaus for that deeply interesting information.

“Brought you coffee,” Diego said from the doorway.

Five shot him a slightly guilty look. “You’re back sooner than I expected.”

Diego chuckled. “I’m not here to yell at you about the walls. You know, the mind map’s actually kinda cool.” He held out the cardboard cup.

“I’m surprised you never got into the habit,” Five said, accepting it. “It seems like your area of interest.”

“If you call me fucking Batman,” Diego said.

Five laughed. Diego noticed with some sourness that he didn’t refute it.

“Do the different colors mean anything?” Diego asked, settling down in Five’s bed.

Five shook his head. “Just what I had on hand.” He waved loosely in the direction of Diego’s room. “The axes are more significant. X for proximity, Y for avoidability.”

“I didn’t even notice that you’d plotted it on a graph,” Diego admitted.

“It’s how I think,” Five said. He took a sip of coffee, then looked down at it as if surprised to find it suddenly in his hand. “Thanks,” he said belatedly.

“Welcome,” Diego said, grinning.

Then Five turned back to his wall and started writing again. A few minutes passed before Diego realized he’d been summarily dismissed.

Not his best effort, clearly. He’d do better next time.

The next day, he dropped by the Academy looking for Five. Irritatingly, he wasn’t there — which left one other possibility, Diego figured, and was both amused and vindicated to find Reginald’s Rolls-Royce in the library parking lot.

No one in the world needed to get laid more than Five.

He found Five up in the reference section, sitting on the floor with two encyclopedias open in front of him and one propped in his lap. “The contrast between how classy you dress and how classy you act never fails to entertain me,” Diego remarked, walking up.

“You wouldn’t know classy if it bit you in the ass,” Five said, not looking up. “How classy can I even look without a waistcoat?”

“Oh, so this is one of your slumming-it suits?” Diego said.

Five played with the end of his tie. “In what way am I acting particularly un-classy now?” he asked in lieu of answering.

“You’re cracking the spines,” Diego said, nodding at the encyclopedias. “And classy people don’t sit on floors.”

“Maybe I care less about looking classy than you do,” Five said, and then made a show of looking Diego over. “Never mind. Not possible.”

Diego grinned. “Obliged,” he said, and took his hand out of his pocket to flip a cinnamon hard candy at Five.

Five caught it in the air and raised an eyebrow when he registered what Diego had thrown him. “Since when do you carry these around?” he asked, unwrapping it and popping it into his mouth.

“New habit,” Diego said.

Five’s other eyebrow rose to meet the first. “What are you doing here, anyway? Did you come here to find me?”

Diego leaned against the wall. “What are you reading about?” he asked.

Five smiled slightly. “Thought dodging direct questions was my thing.”

“You do make an art of it,” Diego said. “More apocalypse research?”

Five rubbed his thumb over the corner of the book in his lap. “And if it is? I suppose now you’ll be telling me I need to relax. Let it go.”

Diego shrugged. “You devoted a lot of time and energy to getting this one right. I understand needing to double-check to make sure you did.”

He didn’t think he was imagining the way Five relaxed a little.

“That said, you do take breaks every once in a while, right?” Diego said. “Explore the city, stretch your legs?”

“I’ve seen the city.”

“Have you seen it when it wasn’t a hollowed-out ruined shell of itself?”

Five wrinkled his nose. “I’ve seen… parts of it.”

Diego laughed. “I’m not gonna lecture you,” he said. “Just… take a break sometime, yeah? Something indulgent, something you’ve wanted to do and never got around to. Do it for me.”

“For you?” Five said.

Diego caught his eye, leaning in and lowering his voice. “For me.”

He also didn’t think he was imagining the way Five’s eyes dropped to his lips. He hoped.

Someday, he thought, he was going to have to find a strategy to woo Five that didn’t involve bringing him food. Today was not that day.

He took the stairs two at a time, pausing outside Five’s door and looking inside, finding it empty. Back to the library it was.

He turned and nearly collided with Klaus, who was leaning against the wall looking a little too knowing for Diego’s liking. “He’s upstairs,” Klaus said. “Luther’s planting a garden in the roof greenhouse and Five has an opinion or two to share.”

“Five has never had just one opinion in his life,” Diego said.

“I did say _or two_ ,” Klaus said. “How’s the seduction campaign going, anyway? Does he seem to have any idea he’s being wooed?”

“He knows,” Diego said with more confidence than he felt.

Klaus shot him a skeptical look.

“He knows I’m being weird, at least, it’s only a matter of time before he puts it together,” Diego said. “He’s a smart bro.”

“He’s an unsocialized apocalypse gremlin,” Klaus said. “Then again, you aren’t subtle. A stoppable force and a movable object.”

Diego squinted at him. “I can’t decide whether to be insulted,” he said, then shook his head. “Nah, I’ve got better things to do.” He turned.

“Wait, are you going to flirt with Five in front of Luther?” Klaus said, laughing. “Man, unsubtle isn’t a strong enough word.”

“If it works, it works,” Diego tossed over his shoulder.

Luther glanced up when Diego walked in, then did a visible double-take. “Hey,” he said. “Everything okay?”

“Yes, Luther, I’m fine,” Diego said patiently.

Luther shot him a skeptical look.

Diego flipped him off. “You don’t need to ask that every time I come over. Sometimes I visit my family without the imminent threat of bleeding to death to prompt it, if you can imagine.”

Luther snorted, but went back to doing something with whatever gardening implement he was using; it probably had a name like trowel or spade, and Diego had certainly never touched one in his life.

Diego glanced at Five, who was looking back with amusement slanting his grey eyes. “Here to help?” Five said, nodding towards Luther.

“I’m too badass to garden,” Diego said cheerfully, strolling over and lifting himself to a seat on the barrel next to Five. “I hear you’re playing foreman. I got the impression this was not on request. That right, Luther?”

“He certainly has opinions,” Luther said in a carefully neutral tone.

“I know more than you do,” Five said.

“Ever think about getting that tattooed on your forehead?” Diego asked.

“Don’t be obnoxious,” Five said, rolling his eyes, the way he always did when he didn’t have a retort.

Luther snorted.

“Your input was not invited,” Five told him.

“Tell you the truth, I wasn’t sure if he was skeptical because I can’t not be obnoxious or because it’s rich of you of all people to say that to anyone,” Diego said.

“Yes,” said Luther.

“Don’t be obnoxious,” Diego told him.

Five laughed. Diego loved that laugh, all the more precious for how rare it was.

Luther shot him a weary look. “Did you come here for a reason, or just to —"

“Be obnoxious?” Diego said brightly. “But actually, yeah. Came to give baby boy a present.” He pulled his hand out of his pocket and held a foil-wrapped object out to Five.

Five unwrapped it. “You brought me a cookie?”

“You came to the Academy just to bring Five a cookie?” Luther said, disbelieving.

“It’s a good cookie,” Diego said, voice serious.

Five broke off a piece, tasting it tentatively. “S’more?”

Diego nodded.

“Thank you,” Five said, eating a larger bite. “Still weird, but thank you.”

“Welcome,” said Diego. “So you busy today, or…?”

Five gestured around at the greenhouse.

“No time for a break?” Diego coaxed.

“He’s going to fuck it up if I leave him here alone,” Five said. “He has no understanding of natural light.”

“The beer?” Diego said, knowing it was weak. “Good, it’s piss.”

Five didn’t even bother responding to that, which was fair.

“You can… go with Diego if you want,” Luther said, a little strangled. “I’m fine here alone.”

“You’re really not,” Five said.

“Just let him fuck up a greenhouse on his own, like adults do,” Diego said. “Take the day off from being right all the time.”

“Sounds unfulfilling.” Five said. “Why would I want to do that?”

Diego sighed, giving up for the day. Klaus had been right, he should _not_ have done this in front of Luther.

He hoped his ears weren’t visibly red.

The seduction campaign was going poorly enough that when Diego came over for their weekly family dinner and found Five alone in the atrium with a newspaper, he didn’t bother sitting too close on the sofa and making eyes at him — just threw himself into the loveseat across from him and gave a self-pitying sigh.

Five’s eyes flicked up. “What?”

“What what?” Diego said.

“Don’t pretend you don’t want me to ask,” Five said.

Diego waved a hand. “It’s too pathetic. Forget it.”

Five nodded, always understanding when it came to matters of pride. He turned a page. “Did you bring me something?”

“Why would I bring you something?” Diego said.

Five frowned disappointedly.

Diego hadn’t been planning to bring it up, but this was just too painful. “Man, you’re a piece of work. I don’t get you at all.”

“What?” Five said, blinking.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Diego said. “I’m not saying you have to put out just because I’ve given you a few treats, but it’s kind of a dick move to just accept them without even acknowledging it.”

Five lowered the newspaper, staring at Diego over it.

This was even worse than making an ass of himself in front of Luther. “C’mon, don’t pretend you didn’t notice,” Diego said defensively.

“You’re trying to get me to put out?” Five said.

“Dude,” Diego said. “I know you’re a virgin, but how are you _this much_ of a virgin? I can’t believe I have to say the words 'I’m hitting on you' out loud.”

“Forgive me for not realizing that showing up and throwing food at me was a courtship ritual,” Five said dryly.

“You say it like that hasn’t been true for all of history,” Diego said. “Dude, I bet in Ancient fucking Greece, people wooed their paramours by throwing grapes at them or some shit.”

“Live roosters,” Five said.

Diego stared at him.

“Or hares,” Five added.

“Okay,” Diego said slowly. “But you see my point.”

“I see your point,” Five said.

There was a long, excruciating silence. Five’s expression wasn’t disgusted, but it wasn’t exactly inspiring of hope either. Mostly, he looked thoughtful.

Diego ignored the urge to drop his eyes, meeting Five’s gaze steadily even as his heart thumped, like facing a firing squad but with higher stakes. Only the dinner bell ringing from the dining room broke the still tableau.

Five glanced away, and Diego blinked, belatedly breathless. He stood.

“Hey,” Five said.

Diego looked over.

“Stay after dinner, hm?”

Diego grinned, all the tightness in his chest dissipating at once.

Diego took a moment to psych himself up as he locked the door to Five’s room behind them. For the knowledgeable one there, he was stupid nervous. He could only imagine the caliber of sex it would take to impress Five.

He turned. Five was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking up at him with an uncomplicated, expectant expression.

Diego approached, stepping between Five’s legs. “Anything you don’t want to do, just say the word — now or later, no statute of limitations on it.”

Five grinned up at him, uncharacteristically boyish. “Are you catering your dirty talk to the level of formality you think I’d be into?”

“Maybe,” Diego said. “You like it?”

Five raised his hands, settling them on Diego’s hips. “Oh, indubitably.”

Diego grinned, relaxing. He brushed Five’s sweeping bangs off his forehead. “Any idea where you wanna start? I take requests.”

Five pretended to think. “Sex would be good.”

“If you don’t even know enough about the specific sex acts to name them, I’m feeling a bit sleazier about propositioning you,” Diego said.

Five rolled his eyes, grabbing Diego by the collar and rolling them abruptly, landing with Diego pinned on the mattress underneath him. “Can you ease up on the solicitousness? It kills my boner.”

Diego gave a surprised laugh that turned into a moan as Five kissed down his neck. “Christ, I thought you were supposed to be some kind of virgin.”

“I am a virgin,” Five murmured, sucking a mark under his collar. “Albeit, a well-read one.” He ground his palm against Diego’s quickly stiffening cock through his pants.

Diego yelped, bucking up. “You got this from books?”

“They were descriptive books,” Five said, looking up at him with affected solemnity.

“What, you were reading — romance novels in the apocalypse?” Diego said. It came out only a little strangled, which he was pretty proud of, considering.

“I was reading whatever I could get my hands on, up to and including romance novels,” Five said. “Are you going to keep talking or do you want me to continue?”

“Continue,” Diego said, deciding there was nothing to do but roll with it.

Five undid the button of Diego’s jeans. He tried to work them down his hips, huffing when he couldn’t manage it one-handed. Tugging ineffectually at them, he gave an irritable sound that was equally as adorable as it was arousing.

“Chick lit doesn’t get into the logistical details of undressing, does it?” Diego said with a smile, pushing Five away enough to lift his hips and work his own pants down them. “You too, Romeo.”

Five was watching him fixedly, but Diego’s words snapped him back and he started stripping, unselfconsciously efficient. Within a minute, they were both naked, and Five gave a soft sound when their bare bodies met.

“Better, right?” Diego said.

“Much,” Five said, and he slithered down Diego, laving him with open-mouthed kisses and bites.

Diego arched. “Shouldn’t I be — showing _you_ a whole new world, princess? Why am I the one getting, ah, fuck —”

“Next time,” Five said, latching his teeth onto Diego’s hip and working them until a purple-red mark bloomed.

“But—

“Next time.” Five pressed his palm against Diego’s cock, grinding down and then easing off in slow, maddening pulses, over and over, never quite giving him the pressure he craved.

“Ah!” Diego’s head slammed back into the pillow.

Five looked up at him, all wickedly curved lips and intoxicating grey eyes.

“Okay, yeah, next time,” Diego rasped out.

“Wait, wait,” Diego said, fingers twisted in Five’s hair, trembling with the effort of not bucking up into Five’s hot, hungry mouth. “Don’t — wanna come. Wanna, nnh, get inside you, c’mon.”

Five looked up at him and gave a wordless sound of disagreement, not pulling off. 

“Baby,” Diego said, laughing. “As flattered as I, fuck, am, you can — later. This time, I wanna…” He lost his train of thought when Five curled his hand around the base of his cock, adding a twisting stroke in counterpoint to the bob of his head.

It was a hell of a convincing argument. Another few minutes went by while Diego considered the merits of Five’s case.

“ _Five_ ,” Diego said finally, shoving at his shoulder. “Thought you wanted me to, aah, fuck you.”

Five picked up his head just a little. “I do,” he said, swiping his tongue over the underside of Diego’s cock.

Diego’s hips jolted up. “Then don’t make me come now, I don’t — have that kind of refraction time,” he panted out. “Lemme open you up.”

“Can you open me up like this?” Five said, looking up at him.

“Like… like while you’re sucking me off?” Diego said.

Five nodded.

Diego pushed himself up onto his elbows. “Maybe if you…” He gestured with his hand.

Five crawled up onto the bed without moving his mouth off Diego’s cock, teeth never so much as grazing the skin. In the back of his head, Diego had to be impressed at his dexterity. He turned sideways so his body was perpendicular to Diego’s, kneeling with his face down in Diego’s lap. “Like this?” he said, muffled around Diego’s dick.

“Christ, you’re shameless,” Diego said admiringly, eyeing Five’s elegant silhouette. “Yeah, baby, this is fucking perfect. Where’s your lube?”

“Don’t have any,” Five said, still mouthing at his cock. “Is it necessary?”

Diego took a moment to fully appreciate the contradiction of being asked to be fingered open during a blowjob by someone who didn’t know the purpose of lube.

“Shameless,” he said, reaching for his pants to grab the lube he’d brought with him just in case.

Five shrugged.

Five climbed out of bed while Diego was still recovering, which Diego tried not to feel as a blow to his ego. He cracked his eyes open, watching Five cross the room, appealingly uninhibited in his nudity. “Where’re you going?”

Five didn’t answer, but he didn’t need to; Diego sat up with a frown when he found him shaking a cigarette out of a carton. “Hey, that shit will kill you.”

Five shot him an unimpressed look.

“Yeah, yeah,” Diego said. He rolled onto his side and propping his head on his hand. “Heh, is this part of the romance novel experience too? The rite of passage of smoking after good sex?”

Five snorted. “You’re editorializing,” he said.

“Nah, that’s a fact,” Diego said, grinning.

“Call it a nightcap,” Five said. He went to the window, opening it up and sitting on the ledge as he lit the cigarette.

Eyes closed, he inhaled a long drag, letting it out in a slow stream. His face was muted by shadows, but the smoke took on an ethereal shine in the light from the streetlamp outside.

Despite himself, Diego couldn’t deny it was sexy.

“So gimme the critic’s review. How was it?” Diego said.

Five gave a little laugh. “Congratulations, you lasted a full thirty seconds after orgasm before asking. That must have taken a good deal of willpower.”

Diego flipped him off.

“But… it was good,” Five said. He looked back towards Diego. “Don’t you think?”

“Yeah,” Diego said. He could still feel the phantom sensation of Five’s thighs locked around his torso. “No argument here.”

“If the purpose was to broaden my horizons, I’m not opposed to more instruction,” Five said. “If you’re interested.”

Diego grinned. “I’m interested.”

Smoke wafted from Five’s upturned lips, casting him in a faintly luminescent haze. “Good.”

“Can I rim you?” Five said, appearing suddenly beside Diego as he cooked dinner.

Diego managed not to drop his spatula in shock, but it was a close one. “Christ! Warn a guy.” Then Five’s question sank in. “Wait, seriously?”

Five nodded.

“I’m guessing you upgraded your reading catalogue to include Cosmo?” Diego said in what even he knew was a pitiably obvious stalling ploy.

“It’s supposed to be good,” Five said. “Have you never done it?”

“Read Cosmo?”

“Rimmed someone.”

“I’ve done it,” Diego lied. He’d always liked giving oral, and he was good at it. The prospect of getting his face up someone’s ass hadn’t struck him as necessary and/or appetizing.

“You don’t have to try it,” Five said, reading him like a fucking book, as always. “But I’m interested.”

Diego hesitated for a long moment, conflicted between warring certainties. On the one hand, having someone else’s face up his own ass struck him as even less necessary and/or appetizing than the reverse. On the other hand, it rankled his pride to be sexually outdone by _Five_.

That, and his dick was already thickening in his pants at the thought of it.

He cleared his throat. “I just worked out,” he said. “I’ll need to, uh, shower first.”

Five smiled slowly. “I can wait.”

“Oh, Christ,” Diego said, spreading his knees even wider and shamelessly rocking back into Five’s face as Five really drilled in with his tongue, little wet thrusts, each one deeper than the last. Diego’s entire body felt like it was short-circuiting. “Fucking _fuck_ , Five, Jesus!”

Five gave an audibly pleased hum and spread Diego’s asscheeks apart with his thumbs, burying his face against him, his tongue fucking inside, deep and wet and messy, sending Diego shuddering to pieces, his spine going liquid, his fingers twisting in the sheets —

Yeah.

Diego couldn’t really blame him for being smug.

“Thanks,” Five said after, patting his hip. “I’ll write in to Cosmo to thank them for the recommendation.”

Diego, breathless, flashed a weak thumbs up.

“Thanks for the ride, Diego dearest,” Klaus sang out. He stood to the side as Diego lugged all of the shopping bags into Klaus’s room. “You make an excellent bellboy. If I had a dollar, I’d tip you.”

“If you ever tipped a bellboy a single dollar for carrying a small child’s weight in paint cans up two flights of stairs, he’d shank you,” Diego said, catching his breath.

“Edit your insults for brevity, I lost interest in that one halfway through,” Klaus said. “Anyway, ta!” He shut the door in Diego’s face.

With no one there to see, Diego was less shy about leaning over to peek through the open door into Five’s room. Empty.

He tried and failed not to let himself feel disappointed.

He took the stairs down two at a time, ducking his head to avoid the rain as he jogged to his car and slid into the driver’s seat. Checking over his shoulder, he pulled out into the flow of traffic.

“Some vigilante. I’m surprised you haven’t gotten yourself shot by now, observational skills like that,” Five said from the passenger seat.

Diego grinned over at him. “I saw you. I just think it’s cute when you get all smug.”

Five scowled at him.

“Second brother of the day I’m playing chauffeur for, huh?” Diego said. “You looking for a ride?”

“Is that a come-on?” Five said.

Diego’s grin turned dirty. “Do you want it to be?”

Five’s lips twitched. “Don’t crash,” he said, and reached over, undoing Diego’s fly.

Diego’s foot gave a spasm, sending the car lurching forward. He steadied himself. “Are you —“ He looked at Five. “You’re serious?”

“I said don’t crash,” Five said, and curled his hand around Diego’s cock, giving a slow stroke.

“You’re insane,” Diego said, knuckles going white from his grip on the steering wheel. “You got a death-wish or something?”

Five spat in his hand, easing the slide around Diego’s dick and making him moan.

“Fucking — lunatic,” Diego said, arching in place. He wasn’t used to being the goody-goody of his relationships. “This is so fucking — dangerous, s’illegal for a reason, Jesus Christ.”

“I won’t tell if you don’t,” Five said, and bent low over the center console, mouth open.

“Jesus _Christ_ —“

After, Diego pulled over on the side of the road to recover. He leaned against the door, chest heaving as he watched Five lick jizz off his knuckles with feline self-satisfaction.

“You know, people don’t actually do that,” Diego said finally.

“I’d say the last ten minutes are proof to the contrary,” Five said without missing a beat.

Diego chuckled. “I’m just saying, it might come up in romance novels, but it’s not actually something people do in real life.”

“I think you might be drastically overestimating my intake of romance novels,” Five said. “Sorry to disillusion you.”

Diego smiled a little, reaching over and ruffling Five’s hair. “I’ve created a monster.”

“Beware, for I am fearless, and therefore powerful,” Five said.

Diego cocked an eyebrow. “Frankenstein?”

“It seemed fitting,” Five said.

“Yeah, nothing says powerful and fearless like sucking a guy off at 50 miles an hour,” Diego said.

Five smiled to himself, gaze turned out the window, watching the passersby. “I’m just impressed you recognized it.”

“Good memory. It’s a gift,” Diego said, shrugging. “You, uh want a hand with that?” He dropped his gaze to Five’s lap.

Five hesitated for a moment, then shook his head. “I’m not one for displays of public indecency,” he said, in a tone of such solemnity that it took Diego a moment to get the joke.

Diego threw a pen at him. “Hilarious,” he said.

Five chuckled.

“Alright, no handjobs for fuckwads,” Diego said. “Wanna grab dinner?”

“Not hungry,” Five said. “Drop me off at the library?”

“Alright,” Diego said. He turned on the car, registering only after the fact that he’d hoped for a different answer.

He swallowed his disappointment and checked over his shoulder for oncoming traffic before pulling out onto the road. “Let me guess, swapping for a new Danielle Steele?”

Five threw the pen back at him, and Diego laughed.

“So what are we gonna do with all this crap anyway?” Diego said, wrapping a figurine in bubble wrap under Grace’s watchful eye. “No way anyone wants it.”

“Donate it to a museum,” Allison said around the packing tape end she held between her teeth. She ripped off the tape and used it to seal up a box.

“Seriously? There are museums that want this shit?” Diego said, looking around. “It’s garbage.”

“Five had it appraised,” Allison said.

At the sound of his name, Five looked up from across the room, gaze landing on Diego. He cocked his head, almost birdlike. Diego couldn’t hold in a smile at how damn cute he was, and Five smiled back, seemingly instinctive — and Christ, even cuter for it.

“Some of it’s really valuable, actually,” Allison said, jerking Diego’s attention back. “So the deal was, in order to get the good relics, they had to take all of it off our hands and sort through it themselves.”

Diego laughed. “Good deal,” he said.

“You think so?” Allison said. “There was a bit of discussion about whether we should try to sell it, if it’s that valuable.”

Diego looked at her.

“We tried to call you,” she said defensively. “No one picked up at the gym.”

“Nah, that’s fine,” Diego said. “But I don’t want his blood money. I’d rather work for my own living than live off his dime.”

“That’s what Five said you would say,” Allison said. “Whereupon Klaus had a fit and declared that you are no longer a brother of his. I think he went through the house stealing everything he could carry once he found out we were getting rid of it all.”

“What did Luther think?” Diego said.

Allison looked cannily at Diego. “Basically the same thing as you, actually. Klaus was saying it was only right to get something out of it, after everything he did to us, and Luther was like, _I’d rather fail on my own than succeed because of him._ ”

“I hate agreeing with Luther,” Diego said, shaking his head as he taped up his box. “Gives me indigestion.”

“You’re terrible,” Allison said, but she was smiling. She dropped her voice. “I’m surprised Five didn’t push harder to sell it. You know how… practical he can be. I figured he’d think it was a waste not to get something for it.”

“I don’t know, Five can surprise you sometimes,” Diego said. “You think you know him, but…” He looked across at Five’s silhouette against the afternoon light: the curve of his jaw, the sweep of his hair. “Layers on layers on layers.”

“I guess,” Allison said. “It’s funny, in some ways he’s so proud, but you don’t get the feeling he does things for the sake of his image the way… certain other people do.”

Diego watched Five say something to Luther, his voice soft but sonorous even from a distance. Then he looked at Allison. “You talking about me?”

“You wear the knife harness to family dinners, Diego,” Allison said. “Yeah, I’m talking about you.”

Diego flipped her off. “You say that like you assholes aren’t at the top of my _People Whose Asses Deserve a Beating_ list.”

“Try it,” Allison said, beckoning him with a smile.

“Sometime when you don’t literally have a priceless crystal vase in your hand, I’ll take you up on that,” Diego said.

“Pussy,” Allison said.

Diego grinned — partly at Allison, and partly at the sound of Five’s laughter at something Luther said across the room.

Five appeared in front of Diego in the grocery store of all places.

“Have you ever been edged?” he said. “I’d like to edge you.”

Diego looked up at him, then down at the bag of quinoa in his hand, then up at him again. “Hello, Five,” he said. “Nice of you to drop in.”

Five flapped his hand. “I dislike banal pleasantries, so I skipped them.”

“You can’t just say shit like that in a grocery store, Five,” Diego said in the same patient tone.

“I say what I mean,” Five said, leaning against the shopping cart. “So have you?”

“Been edged?” Diego said. “Not in the grocery store, no.”

Five rolled his eyes.

Diego put back the quinoa. Quinoa was for days when Five didn’t show up out of nowhere asking to edge him. On days like this, he deserved to treat himself with basmati rice. “How did you even find me? You stalking me now?”

“I learned your routine,” Five said.

“So that’s a yes.”

“Or your life is extremely mundane,” Five said. “Can I edge you or not?”

“Not in the —“

“Not in the grocery store, let’s move past that part,” Five said impatiently. Diego was hotly pleased by how much he obviously wanted an answer, and even less inclined to give him one because of it.

“Define edging for me,” he said, pretending to read the nutrition informations on the box of rice. “Clarify your terms. Isn’t that what you nerds are all about?”

“Isn’t it more fun to learn by doing?” Five shot back, leaning forward. “Let me tie you down and work you over, Diego. You know you want it.”

“Do I?” Diego said, even as his heart pounded at that tone of quiet confidence. Diego had always responded well to orders.

Five’s gaze flicked down. “You’re hard,” he pointed out.

Diego dropped his own eyes. “No, I’m not.”

“But you are turned on, or you wouldn’t have checked,” Five said smugly.

Diego had to smile. “You think you’re clever.”

“I also think I’m going to spend at least an hour tonight working you up so good you sweat through your sheets,” Five said. “Tell me I’m wrong about either.”

Diego couldn’t, and they both knew it.

Diego stared up at the ceiling as he caught his breath, his arms held limply over his head even after Five had released him from the restraints. He felt dismantled, out of sync. Like he wasn’t the same person he’d been two hours before.

He’d never come that hard in his _life_.

Diego finally stirred when Five came over with a damp cloth, looking down at him as he mopped the streaks of jizz off Diego’s chest. “Christ,” he said, voice hoarse. “I think I need the cigarette this time.”

Five smiled. “Do you mean that literally or —“

“Figuratively,” Diego said, chuckling. “Take the compliment.”

“Gladly,” Five said. “By all means, tell me more about how good I am in bed. Use of the word _savant_ is encouraged.”

“Oh yeah?” Diego said. “That’s how it is?”

Five grinned.

“Nah, I can think of some better words for you,” Diego said. “You know what you are?”

“Enlighten me.”

“You’re a _sex kitten_ ,” Diego said.

Five’s eyes widened.

“Yeah, that’s what you are,” Diego said, pleased. “You’re a sweet, sexy little kitten.”

“I’m not sure that tracks,” Five said, sounding like he was trying to seem more displeased than he actually was. “I’ve been having sex for about two weeks out of … a long life.”

Diego was very certain he’d paused to calculate his own age in weeks before thinking better of it. “Being a sex kitten isn’t about experience. It’s a state of mind.”

“Is that right?” Five said, visibly suppressing a smile.

“Uh huh,” Diego said, rolling up and pressing against Five’s back, his chin hooked over his shoulder. “You’re cute and snarky and you scratch when you don’t want to be pet, and you’re an absolute knockout in the sack, but you like doing it your way. Sex kitten.”

“By that definition, perhaps,” Five said, tilting his head and allowing Diego to nuzzle him.

“Perhaps, nothing, you’re a vixen,” Diego said. “A saucy, spicy little harlot. A nubile, coquettish—“

“I get it,” Five said, batting him away and going to collect his discarded clothes. “I’m a sex kitten.”

Diego tucked his hands behind his head and shamelessly leered as Five bent over to pick up his shirt. “Sounds even better when you say it.”

Five turned his face away. For a second, Diego swore he was blushing.

Diego stretched his arm across his body, holding it for ten seconds before switching sides. Call him conditioned by his upbringing, but he loved the ache of a good workout. There was nothing like peeling out of his sweaty gear and letting the hot water pound his muscles to taffy to help him sleep like a baby.

Turning, he gave a start when he found Five sitting up on the raised boxing ring, leaning against a corner post with one leg dangling off, his eyes fixed on Diego.

“Jesus, you creep, how long have you been here?” Diego asked, throwing his water bottle at him.

Five batted it away. “Few minutes. You have good form.”

Diego puffed up, undeniably pleased. “I mean, I’ve trained long enough, I damn well better.”

Five smiled a little. “Just take the compliment.”

“I got no problems taking compliments,” Diego said. “Here, I’ll show you, tell me a few more and I’ll bat my eyelashes all pretty for them.”

Five swung his other leg off the side so he sat facing Diego. He folded his arms over the rope. “You always work out this late?”

“Often enough,” Diego said. “I like having the shower to myself.”

“Surprising,” Five said.

“What is?”

“I wouldn’t have thought you of all people would mind,” Five said. “You’re enough of an egotist, one would think you’d leap at the chance to show off.”

Diego flipped him off. “I get sick of the stares.”

“Your dick isn’t _that_ big,” Five said, rolling his eyes.

“Honestly, flattering that your mind went there,” Diego said with a grin. “But nah, I mean the bruises, scrapes, gunshot wounds. That kinda thing.”

“Ah.” Five frowned. “But not recently?”

Diego quirked his lips. “I’ve been rethinking some, ah, life assumptions since the whole apocalypse drama. Doesn’t feel as important to be running around knifing would-be criminals.”

“In what way?”

Diego raised his eyebrows.

“Do you feel unfulfilled in a good way or a bad way?” Five asked. “Is it that nothing in your life has meaning anymore, or just that you have less to prove by playing superhero?”

“The latter,” Diego said.

Five relaxed a little. “Good.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Diego said, fidgety under the spotlight shining on his issues. “So what’re you here for? Speaking of my fantastic dick.”

Five cocked his head to the side. “Well, I’d been wondering — though, if you’re too spent from your workout, it might be too much to ask.”

“Hey, I can rally,” Diego said. “I can always rally. What’s up?”

“Ever fuck someone against a wall?” Five asked, half his mouth curling crookedly.

“Sure,” Diego said. “You mean bent over, or…?”

“No, I mean holding up their weight,” Five said. “Their legs around your waist, pinning their back to the wall, nailing them until they go boneless from it.”

“Yeah, I’ve done it,” Diego said. “I had a girlfriend who was really into it.”

“Are you into it?” Five said.

Diego looked at Five. _I’m into whatever you’re into_ , he couldn’t say. “Yeah. Let’s do it.”

“Ah, ah, ah,” Five cried out, gorgeous little breathless sounds that echoed against the tiled walls of the communal shower.

His knees were hooked over Diego’s arms, shoulders braced firmly against the wall while his back smacked against it with every thrust, almost loud enough to overwhelm the lewd, slick sound of Diego’s cock entering him.

Despite what he’d told Five earlier, Diego was pretty worn out from lifting weights, but it would have taken full-body paralysis for him not to rise to this occasion. He would have sold his soul for the chance to have Five in his arms like this, cradling him close, feeling the fine tremors coursing through his body every time Diego brushed his prostate. It seemed almost like cheating to have been gifted it without giving up anything in exchange.

“So — fucking — good,” Five panted out, dropping his head back against the shower wall. “Feels so fucking—“

“Big?” Diego said, and he would have teased Five more if it weren’t taking all of his focus not to come already. From this angle, Five felt even tighter, his walls squeezing Diego’s cock so good it was almost too much.

“ _Yeah_ ,” Five said, not even fronting, and fuck if that didn’t do good things for Diego’s ego. “Your _dick_ , Christ.”

“You can feel free to — load my dick up with compliments — all night long,” Diego grunted out, drawing out slowly and then fucking up into him with quick, precise thrusts, just to see the way Five’s frame relaxed and then snapped deliciously taut, every single time. Never got old.

“Uh uh,” Five said, tossing his head. “Can’t — words — just, Christ.”

“Oh, I like you speechless,” Diego said, pressing his mouth right up by Five’s ear. “I like you _desperate,_ kitten.”

Five whined, long and loud.

Diego would do just about anything for that whine.

Diego just managed to pull out of Five and set him down on his feet before he buckled, breathless, slumping back against the wall so he wouldn’t collapse all the way to the floor.

“Did I overwork you?” Five said, awfully smug for someone who wasn’t exactly steady on his feet either. “You’ll have to excuse me for having higher estimations of a man who works out as much as you do.”

Diego flipped him off, still catching his breath.

“Shame, I didn’t realize those pretty muscles were just for show,” Five said, squeezing Diego’s bicep.

“Aw, you like my pretty muscles?” Diego said, only a little winded.

Five didn’t bother answering. “You going to need help getting to your room before I head out, Rambo?”

“Figure I should finish washing your come off my chest first so I don’t ruin my clean sheets,” Diego said, turning on the shower. He yawned as he waited for the water to heat up. “You drive over, or…?”

“Yeah,” Five said. “It’s a long way to jump.” He yawned as well.

“Christ, you’re gonna drive into a building and I’m going to have to tell Luther it’s because my awesome dick knocked you out,” Diego said. “You know how awkward that conversation’s gonna be? Just crash here tonight.”

Five half-smiled. “It would be an ignominious way to go, after everything. But I’d rather sleep in my own bed, as much as I do appreciate the offer.”

“Sure,” Diego said, going to grab his shampoo from his cubby. “Anytime.”

Diego was working on a Sudoku in the kitchen when Klaus came swanning in, which wasn’t a verb Diego would have associated with anyone but him.

“He’s in the greenhouse again,” Klaus said, opening the fridge and poking around inside.

“Who is?”

Klaus pulled his head out of the fridge to shoot Diego an unimpressed look.

Diego scowled, hoping not to blush. “I’m not here for him. I’m doing my laundry.”

“Here?”

Diego drank some coffee. “The machine at the gym’s busted, and I don’t feel like paying 10 bucks for the privilege of getting my socks stolen.”

“Ooh, you have socks?” Klaus said, looking over his shoulder with interest. “Mine all have holes in them.”

“You’re not stealing my socks,” Diego said.

“Course not,” Klaus said blithely. “I do that to strangers at the laundromat, as God intended.”

Diego snorted.

“So you’re really not here to see him?” Klaus said. “Trouble in paradise? Or is all quiet on the western front?”

“You want to ask so badly, ask,” Diego said.

Klaus immediately shut the fridge and dragged a chair over to the table. “So are you fucking or not? Has he succumbed to your manly charms?” He scooted the chair closer to Diego. “Is he smitten? Has he been smote?”

“Christ,” Diego said. “This is not happening.”

“You told me to ask,” Klaus said.

“I didn’t say I’d answer,” Diego said.

“Copout. Just tell me if he’s all sweet and coy in bed,” Klaus said. “In my head, he blushes and gets shy about being checked out, but I’m willing to admit it’s a bit of a stretch. Does he cover his face when you sweet-talk him? Does he cover his _junk_ when you sweet-talk him?”

Diego thought back to the last time they’d fucked. Five had ridden his dick like a sex toy, jerking himself off under Diego’s admiring gaze until he was coming all over Diego’s chest. He’d licked it off afterwards, maintaining steady eye contact with Diego the whole time.

“I don’t kiss and tell,” he said.

“I’m going to take that as a yes,” Klaus said, sitting back with an air of smug satisfaction.

“You do that,” Diego said, finishing his coffee.

“C’mon, give me something to work with here. You’ve successfully de-virginized him,” Klaus said. “What’s the next step in the Number Five Eat Pray Love world tour?”

“What?”

Klaus gave an impatient gesture with his hand. “You gonna check off all the rest of his firsts with him too? Most people do the first date before the first shag, but hey, when has our family ever been normal? First out of town getaway to a chintzy bed and breakfast?”

“First date?” Diego said. “He’s not Rapunzel, man, I don’t think he has some big adult experience to-do list to check off now that he’s out of his ivory tower.”

“Well, maybe he should,” Klaus said. “There’s so much he hasn’t done, or seen, or tried, or —”

“Then he can do it on his own time,” Diego said. “I don’t see what I have to do with that.”

Klaus raised his eyebrows. “Seriously?”

“Sure,” Diego said. “We’re hooking up because it’s fun, but he knows he’s just killing time with me. Hell, he _should_ play the field more, he’s gonna use up my whole bag of tricks soon enough.”

“And that wouldn’t bother you?” Klaus said in a careful tone that was practically engineered to piss Diego off. He hated kid gloves.

“Why would it?”

Klaus shrugged. “I figured you were, I don’t know… I figured you were showing him more than just sex.”

“Dude, where are you getting this?” Diego said. “I’m attracted to him, he seemed like a hot lay, I wanted to show him a good time, but I’m not here to impart some, I don’t know, _you’re a real boy now, Pinocchio_ moral wisdoms on him about all the shit he’s never done.”

“Okay, okay,” Klaus said, eyes wide. “You’re not his fairy godmother, I get it.”

“Yeah,” Diego said, sitting back, mollified.

Klaus paused a beat. Then he said, “Any obvious fairy tale references we missed? I think we could still pack a few more in there.”

“Aladdin,” Diego said.

Klaus’s brow furrowed in thought, then he snapped his fingers. “You’re the street rat and he’s the sheltered princess.”

Diego nodded. “A whole new world,” he intoned, filling in a 5 in the Sudoku square.

Then Diego didn’t see Five for two weeks.

He hadn’t realized how much he’d come to expect Five’s cool voice startling him in a silent room, Five’s form filling the passenger seat, Five’s hand stroking unexpectedly up his spine while he mopped floors with his headphones on. Oxymoronic as it was, he’d become accustomed to being surprised.

More than that, he’d come to hope for it.

Unmet anticipation made him antsy, and being antsy made him irritable, and within a week he’d transformed into someone short-tempered and surly in a way he consciously disliked but couldn’t shake.

Al noticed, but Diego’s moodiness made him a better fighter, so he didn’t mind.

There was no one else often around enough to pay attention.

That said, it took Klaus about twenty seconds into a phone conversation to pick up on it.

“Whoa, whoa, don’t get all pissy at me, dude,” he said, audibly blowing out a stream of smoke on his end of the line. “You think they don’t teach about displacement in therapy? Like, you’re not really mad at me, you’re mad at— Or wait, is that projection? Which one’s which?”

“Clearly they don’t teach you enough about displacement in therapy to enable you to talk about it without sounding like a moron,” Diego said, slouching against the wall next to the gym’s phone. He twirled the cord around his finger. “What do you want, man?”

“Haven’t seen you in a while,” Klaus said. “You avoiding your loving family?”

“It’s not like I normally come by if I don’t have a reason,” Diego said. “You know how much I fucking hate that place.”

“Yeah, but you somehow seem to come up with reasons on a semi-regular basis,” Klaus said. “Well, _seemed_ to. What, are you and Five fighting?”

Diego took a beat too long to answer, and of course Klaus noticed. Like a goddamn shark scenting blood.

“Hey, hey, what happened?”

“We’re not fighting,” Diego said.

“What did you do?” Klaus said.

“I—“ Diego scowled. “What makes you think I did shit?”

“Diego,” Klaus said, in a tone that said Diego should have known the answer.

“I didn’t do anything, fuck off,” Diego said, scowling even deeper. “I haven’t even seen him in two weeks, so _really_ fuck off.”

“Wait, like, two weeks literally or figuratively?” Klaus said. “When’s the last time you saw him?”

“I don’t know,” Diego said. “Since before I talked to you about…” A thought occurred to him. “Klaus,” he said, in the same tone Klaus had just used on him.

“Ooh,” Klaus said. “Hm.”

Diego pinched the bridge of his nose. “Did you tell Five about our conversation?”

“What, you think I’m stupid?” Klaus said. “I’m _self_ -sabotaging, I’m not sabotaging in general. Of course I didn’t tell Five.”

“Who did you tell?”

“Luther,” Klaus said.

Diego banged his head against the wall.

“It came up in conversation!” Klaus said. “I didn’t tell him everything, just, uh, most of it. He was curious, I don’t know.”

“Asshole,” Diego said. “Do you think you actually relayed it accurately or did it go through a filter of shithead judgment and editorializing to get there?”

“The former,” Klaus said.

There was a beat.

“Maybe the latter,” Klaus said.

“You’re such an asshole,” Diego said, and hung up.

“Diego?” Luther said when he opened the door. “Are you okay? Did something happen?”

“Just fine,” Diego said. “You talk to Five about what me and Klaus talked about?”

Luther recoiled. “Of course not.”

Diego scrutinized his face, but he did seem genuinely affronted. “You tell Allison?”

“Well,” Luther said. “Yes.”

Diego carded his hand through his hair.

“It came up when she asked about you,” Luther said. “Is that bad?”

“Diego? Is everything alright?” Allison said when she answered the phone.

“Everything’s fine,” Diego said, getting annoyed at this line of inquiry.

“You don’t normally call,” Allison said. “What’s up?”

“Luther talked to you about me and Klaus’s conversation about Five, right?”

“Yes,” Allison said. “Is that what you’re calling about? Because I’ve seen you two together, and I really think —“

“Yeah, we’re not doing that,” Diego said tightly. “Who’d you tell?”

“Pardon?”

Diego ground his teeth. “Who did you tell about our conversation?”

“No one,” she said, then amended, “Oh, well, that is, I may have mentioned something to—“

“Vanya?” Diego said.

“It came up in passing,” she said apologetically. “Sorry.”

“You told Five,” Diego said.

“Yeah,” said Vanya. “It came up.”

He waited for Five in the parlor, already dreading having the conversation. Diego hated having _conversations_.

He heard Five’s footsteps come in the front door, walking briskly until he passed by the entrance to the parlor and slowed.

“Hey,” Diego said, not looking up.

“Hey,” Five said. “Are you here for me?”

“Is now a good time?” Diego silently prayed that the answer was no.

“Sure,” Five said, approaching. “What is it?”

“You haven’t come to see me for a few weeks,” Diego said.

Five hummed noncommittally.

Diego inhaled a fortifying breath. “And I know you might have heard some dumb shit I said to Klaus through the telephone chain of our siblings, so I — I dunno, I thought I should check in. You mad?”

“Mad about what?” said Five.

Diego looked at him, trying to read past those big grey eyes. “You’re serious?”

“Of course I am,” Five said, brow furrowing. “What would I be mad about?”

“…What did Vanya tell you I said?” Diego checked. “Because if I know our idiot siblings, I doubt it was conveyed to you exactly the way I said it.”

“That you thought I should be seeking out other people to fuck,” Five said. “And that you’re not here to play Prince Charming to my Rapunzel. Is that incorrect?”

Diego hesitated. “No, that’s… pretty much right.”

Five shrugged one shoulder. “I’m not upset. You’re entirely right, it was never your obligation and I never took it that way. The sex was good while it lasted, I like to think.”

“Yeah,” Diego said. “So…”

“No hard feelings,” Five said, standing and squeezing Diego’s shoulder. “It was an enjoyable ride, and I appreciate it.”

“You’re sure you’re not upset?” Diego said.

“ _Diego_ ,” Five said, laughing a little. “You know I always mean what I say.”

“Yeah,” Diego said, watching him leave.

Eudora’s eyebrows raised when she stepped out of the police station and spotted Diego leaning against her car. “Hey?”

“My booty call just dumped me,” Diego said.

“If I wasn’t your rebound girlfriend, I’m certainly not going to be your rebound booty call,” she said dryly.

Diego scowled at her.

“Okay, I see now that I didn’t read the room right,” she said. “Sorry. Want to grab coffee?”

The idea that he needed, like, a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and girl talk to recover from his break-up was deeply aggravating. The amount he’d teased Five and he was living out his own Cosmo experience.

On the other hand, why else had he come?

Eudora brought their coffees back to the little table, sliding his mug across to him. “So,” she said, adjusting so their knees weren’t knocking together. “What happened?”

“Hey, whoa,” Diego said. “That’s not what this is about. I’m just here—“

“For a distraction?” Eudora said. “You’re so refreshingly consistent.”

“I think I’m insulted.”

“You probably should be,” she said.

Diego flipped her off. “Like I actually came here to tell you some _woe is me_ story about my fuckbuddy not wanting to bone anymore. C’mon.”

“Yeah, like I’m the clueless one here.” She softened at his glare. “I get it, that’s not what we’re doing here. I’ve met you before, Diego, you think I don’t know?”

“I didn’t come here to get roasted,” Diego complained.

“Oh, then I _definitely_ read the room wrong,” Eudora said.

Despite himself, Diego grinned. “This is why we broke up, you know.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“No, it isn’t.” Diego sighed. “Hey, uh…”

Eudora looked at him, waiting him out, letting him find the words. She’d always been good about that.

“Why did we break up, anyway?” Diego said.

Eudora straightened up, surprised.

“Not, like, the short-term,” Diego said. “I don’t mean fighting about going to your sister’s wedding. I mean, like, the shit underneath.”

“Wow,” Eudora said, but she didn’t make a big dramatic show of his sudden interest in opening up. She was too good for him, he knew, always had been. “Well… neither of us is very patient. We both like being right too much, and we don’t like making concessions.”

Diego nodded.

“And…” She looked at him. “We don’t have to do this right now, you know. If you’re already feeling…” She gestured.

“Feeling…?”

“Raw.”

“Nah, say it,” Diego said. “I’m curious.”

If Eudora was making connections about the link between being dumped by his fuckbuddy and his failures as her boyfriend, she didn’t say. “You’re very… private.”

Diego sat back, crossing his arms with a frown.

“You don’t talk,” she said.

“I talk.”

“You don’t _talk_ ,” Eudora said.

“Yeah,” Diego said.

“You’re so direct but so avoidant at the same time.” She idly stirred her coffee, looking down into it. “I thought — you’re so forthright in some ways, I thought it meant I knew you. But there’s so much you don’t say. It was like… like uncovering an underground city, every time I managed to drag something out. Like excavating fucking Pompeii.”

“Yeah,” Diego said. “I know.”

Diego went back to the boxing gym with something vaguely itchy behind his sternum. He cooked dinner, worked out, and mopped up, and all the while ill-defined ideas flitted just out of view of his mind’s eye.

He tossed and turned for over an hour, trying unsuccessfully to get to sleep. Then, giving up, he swung his legs off the bed and went to get his knife sharpening kit.

For a solid half-hour, he lost himself in the familiar repetition of honing his blades to keen perfection. Only when his mental state had become almost meditative did he start to talk.

“So Five’s says he’s not mad, and I believe him. Which is great — except I’m not getting laid either.” He tested the blade lightly against the pad of his thumb. “Was there a point at which I was supposed to ask him if he wanted to keep going, and I missed it?”

He was quiet for a time, focused on the clean whisk of metal on stone.

“I don’t get why I’m the bad guy here. We’re both comfortable with it being just sex, but I’m the asshole just because I said it out loud? Like Five’s not the most practical motherfucker in the world?”

He held a knife up to the light, eyeing the shine. “After all, he didn’t want to get dinner, he didn’t want to sleep over, he always came with one thing in mind. It’s a transaction, and Five knows what he’s about. He’s not the Pompeii one here, he always means exactly what he says.”

He put the blade down and swept his hands over his face. “So like, even if I wanted it to mean more, he’s made it pretty damn clear what he thinks about that. Every opportunity I’ve given him, he shut me down. He’s the one that said—“

What _had_ Five said?

“He said he wasn’t hungry,” he said slowly. “And that he’d rather sleep in his own bed.” He quirked his lips. “I guess out loud, those don’t exactly sound like blistering rejections from a guy who means _exactly_ what he says.”

He stood up to pace. “But — sure, I mean, we could operate under the assumption that he literally meant that he wasn’t hungry and that he’d rather sleep in his own bed, but it’s not like he’s ever given any indication himself that he wants anything more.”

Diego picked up the knife from the table and turned it over contemplatively in his hands, end over end. Was Five the better version of Diego, or were they cut from the same cloth after all?

“I guess the question is,” Diego said slowly, “he always means what he says, but does he always say what he means?”

Diego took the stairs up two at a time, wiping his hands on his shirt and taking a moment to psych himself up before swinging open the door to Five’s room.

Empty.

He turned to head up to the rooftop garden and cursed in surprise when he found Five leaning in the open door to Diego’s old bedroom, eyeing him with open curiosity.

“Thought you’d cleaned up your shit from my room,” Diego said.

“I had,” Five said. “But you stopped coming by, so I spread out again. Do you really mind?”

Diego thought about it. “No.”

“I know,” Five said. “Were you looking for me?”

“Yeah,” Diego said.

Five raised his eyebrows as if he’d expected another answer, straightening up. “Well, come in, I suppose.”

“You can’t invite me into my own bedroom,” Diego said, following him in. “I should be inviting you into my bedroom.”

“Clearly I didn’t need the invitation,” Five said. “I don’t operate by vampire rules.”

Diego chuckled. “Did I suggest that you did?”

“It was implied.”

Diego shook his head, taking the desk chair while Five sat cross-legged on the bed. “So?” Five said.

Diego cracked his knuckles. “Cards on the table, do you want more than sex from me?”

Five recoiled slightly.

“You’re not the only one who can be blunt,” Diego said. “I think trying to read between the lines with you is a mistake, but waiting for you to take point isn’t working out for me either.”

“It’s not a fair position to put me in,” Five said, voice even. “Asking me to humiliate myself.”

This time Diego was the one to recoil. “I don’t — I’m not —“

“I already know your position on the matter,” Five said. “You made it perfectly clear to Klaus, and now you’re coming here and asking me to crack myself open for your amusement?”

“No, Christ, no,” Diego said, throat clenching up. “Fuck that, man, forget what I said to Klaus, I was talking shit.”

Five stared up at him, eyes accusing.

“I know you always mean what you say, but the rest of us aren’t always that brave,” Diego said. “Screw what I said to Klaus then.”

“Then you have to go first,” Five said. “You owe me that much.”

Diego scowled. Five always found a way to make an argument work in his favor, ever since he was a kid, and it had been as irritating then as it was now.

Then Diego saw the barely perceptible tremble of Five’s hands, and the situation rewrote itself in his mind.

“I want sex from you,” Diego said. “And I want you to sleep — no, I want you to _want_ to sleep in my bed after.”

“It’s too lumpy,” Five said.

A curling relief bloomed inside Diego. He ducked his head, hiding a stupid grin. “So I’ll get a new mattress,” he said. “And I want to try out all the weird sex things you found out about in your romance novels, but I also want to do missionary sometimes so I can watch your face while we do it and whisper in your ear about how pretty you look. Bet I could make you blush, kitten.”

Five smiled a little.

“And I don’t want to take you on some trite bucket list tour and check off the boxes of all the generic things you’ve never seen or done that wouldn’t interest you anyway,” Diego said. “But I remember what it was like, stepping out of the Academy for the first time when I was 17 and being so overwhelmed by all of the options I’d never had before, how it was _almost_ as exciting as it was fucking terrifying.”

“It’s a lot,” Five said. Diego knew intimately the weight embodied in those few words, the depths they held.

“I know,” Diego said. “You have the whole world at your fingertips now. I want to be there next to you just to see what you _do_ with it.”

Five looked down at his hands. He rolled a piece of chalk between his fingers. “I don’t even know where to start,” he said quietly.

“I bet we could come up with some ideas,” Diego said.

“You’re going to Disneyland?” Allison said disbelievingly. “ _You_ two?”

“Why not?” Diego said, tipping his Aviators on top of his head and grinning at her. “Neither of us has ever been.”

Allison shook her head. “You two walk in there dressed like you do and you’re going to have security following you from a surreptitious distance. They’re going to think you’re child traffickers.”

“Shit, didn’t think of that,” Diego said lazily. “Think we could borrow Claire for a cover?”

Five snorted.

“You’re so weird,” Allison said. “There are a lot of places you’ve never been, why Disneyland?”

“Didn’t say it was _just_ Disneyland,” Diego said, fishing out a folded sheet of paper from his pocket. “We’ve got a list.”

She accepted it, flipping it open and reading through the list. Her eyebrows crept gradually upwards as she went. “This is going to take you weeks.”

“Months, more likely,” Five said. “We’re aware.”

“Christ, it’s double-sided?” she said, flipping the page over.

“Wouldn’t do that if I were you,” Diego said.

“Champagne room? Wrapped lotus? What is this?” Allison said. “Are they restaurants?”

Diego turned his head to keep from laughing at her expression. Five had an impenetrable poker face, which helped Diego master his own.

“Wait… wheelbarrow? Standing O?” Allison said with dawning understanding. “Are these _sex positions_?”

“We take care not to let things get stale,” Five said seriously.

“Gotta keep it fresh,” Diego agreed, nodding.

“Oh my god,” Allison said, flicking the paper back to Diego. “Feral cats, I swear.”

“Feral kittens, even,” Diego muttered under his breath to Five.

Five elbowed him.

Allison shook her head. “Just don’t have outdoor sex _at_ Disneyland. And if and when you do, I’m not bailing you out of Magic Kingdom purgatory.”

“Rude,” Diego said.

“Your boyfriend can teleport you out,” Allison said. “Congratulations, you’ve got a get out of jail free card for life.”

“I might not,” Five said. “Depending on how much I think he deserves it.”

Diego was a little too busy smiling at the _boyfriend_ to bother pretending to mind.

* * *


End file.
